please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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