I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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