my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I understand Curling. That high.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
