A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
