i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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