I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
