also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
