Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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