I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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