i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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