Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
