he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Randomize
