She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
