My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
