Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
