That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
