There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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