We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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