I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
