Sacagawea was the original milf.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
