my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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