Sponge bath it is.
The best revenge is premature balding
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
