I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
