I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
