We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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