I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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