I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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