I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
