Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's never too late to be topless.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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