My sheets look like a crime scene.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
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