My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
