i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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