I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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