i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
