Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
