its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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