I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Randomize
