I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
