I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
