I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
