I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Every concussion has its silver lining
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You are the jesus of drinking
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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