apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
