I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You left your phone here
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