I must be too annoying 4 u.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
