If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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