It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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