hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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