You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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