I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
