There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
