We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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