So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
