Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize