You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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