Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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