Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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