Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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