so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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