There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
